


Stronger (weak was never an option)

by thanks_for_the_existential_crisis



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Foggy Nelson Is a Good Bro, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Matt Murdock, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, In that you don't see the therapy and progress, It is clear that there will be therapy and progress, Matt Murdock & Foggy Nelson Friendship, Matt Murdock Angst, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, but - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-09 03:45:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15258705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanks_for_the_existential_crisis/pseuds/thanks_for_the_existential_crisis
Summary: Matt comes across a situation as Daredevil that's a little too close to home and calls Foggy in the middle of a panic attack.





	1. Falling...falling...falling...

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for mentions of rape(of a child in the past and a present attempt), panic attacks, and canon typical violence.

      When Foggy's phone starts ringing at four in the morning he is, understandably, terrified. Because it's Matt. Matt is calling him. At _four in the morning_. The only reason Matt ever calls after eleven is if there's an emergency. So, understandably, Foggy is terrified. But when he picks up the phone its not to Claire asking him to come pick Matt up because he's not fit to travel. It's not to Matt's slurred requests for help because he's lost too much blood or is too concussed to properly think.

      No.

      No. When he picks up the phone its to harsh breaths and a muffled sob and gasping as Matt tries to speak. Tries to say his name. He doesn't get passed ‘Fo’ no matter how much he tries.

      “Matt? Matty, I need you to focus on breathing, okay? You don't have to say anything, I just need you to breathe please.”

      As Foggy coaches Matt in breathing he gets out of bed and pulls a random hoodie on over his pajamas, puts his shoes on, then sits down at his table to wait.

      “When you can breath alright tell me where you are buddy, I'll be right there to get you.”

      Foggy spends the next few minutes listening to a horrifying combination of choked back sobs and gasping and the sound of his own heart shattering in his chest.

      Eventually Matt manages to force out, “My...my apartment.” and Foggy is immediately up and out the door with a simple, “On my way.”

      Foggy stays on the phone the entire way there, attempting to help Matt stay calm. It doesn't seem to really work but he has no idea what's wrong or how to help. Finally, _finally_ , he gets to Matt’s apartment and knocks before letting himself in. When he shuts the door behind him he lets Matt know he's hanging up and will be right there. When he goes looking he finds him curled up in a corner with his face pressed to his knees. Foggy approaches slowly and sits a few feet away on the floor.

      The Daredevil suit is spread out on the floor and Matt is wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt, he's gripping the fabric of his pants so tightly Foggy worries it might rip but he doesn't allow himself to focus on that for long.

      “Matt? What happened?”

      He lifts his head up from his knees and Foggy's heart breaks all over again because there are silent tears trailing down Matt's face. This might be all of the second time he's seen Matt fall apart like this and it's made all the more painful by the fact that, at some point, Matt had to learn how to cry without noise.

      And then Matt starts babbling and it's all _so much worse_.

      “I'm sorry. Sorry. Didn't-didn’t mean to. Were gonna hurt her. Kid. Just a kid. Maybe sixteen. Interrupted them. Made her run away. F-fought. Got pinned. Made...made me remember. Was just like then. Bigger than me. Always bigger than me. Why are they always bigger than me Foggy? Older now. Shouldn't still be bigger than me. Shouldn't. So much bigger. It hurt then. Hurt so much. Would have hurt again. I had to get away so I hit and hit and hit. Kept hitting. Had to-had to go away. I had to get away Foggy. I had to I had to I had to…”

      Matt trails off and he's facing Foggy with panic on his face and tears in his widened eyes and Foggy can't _breathe_ past the icy horror clawing its way through his chest.

      “Matt. Can I hug you?”

      A sharp inhale and quick nod and then Foggy is wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close to cradle him against his chest with one hand rubbing his back and the other running through his hair. Matt tenses and shudders and sighs before laying his head on Foggy's shoulder and relaxing into his embrace, where he knows he will always, always, _always_ be safe.

      They stay there for nearly half an hour with Foggy doing his best to comfort Matt, holding him and whispering that he's there and everything will be alright and “You're safe Matt, I've got you, you're safe.”

      Eventually, quietly, Matt mumbles into his neck, “It was Stick. Called it ‘training’ and said I needed to be stronger if I didn't want it to happen.”

      Foggy has so many questions he wants to ask. But Matt isn't in any shape to deal with it. So he stays quiet and just waits in case Matt wants to say anything else. He rubs his back. And combs his fingers through his hair. And he waits. And waits. Because there's not much else he can do. He can't even be sure what all that means. He can guess. Oh god, he can guess and feel the tight grip of rage and panic and horror on his heart but he has no real understanding of what happened, past or present. So he waits. And waits. He can feel his shoulder getting damp from Matt's tears and hear the broken little gasps that are the only audible proof of Matt's mental state. Can feel Matt trembling and tensing and relaxing. Can smell the sweat and knows Matt didn't shower before changing into pajamas when he got home. But he waits. And waits.

      Eventually, Matt speaks again, quietly, “They were gonna rape her. Heard them telling her what they were going to do. To her. Kill her after. That was a lie. The rest wasn't. Then I fought them and one got me pinned at some point and said maybe they should do it to me instead since I wanted to volunteer my services,” Matt laughs without any humour and Foggy feels like he might throw up, “Put me right back there. Young and helpless and _afraid._ So I got free. And I beat him until he was unconscious. Then I kept beating him. Then when the others tried to run I beat them too. Heard the police coming then. Maybe the girl called. Or someone else. Don't know. So I left. Came here. Fell apart. Called you. Kept falling apart. Falling falling falling...”

      Matt's voice is calm and quiet. Devoid of any emotion. Foggy stops petting his hair to wrap both arms around him tightly, secure. He feels Matt relax into him further.

      Another humorless laugh and then, “Always in pieces. Broken, jagged pieces that'll never fit together again. What's a little more falling apart?”

      Foggy closes his eyes and swallows down the bile dragging its way up his throat instead of responding. Matt pushes away from him and stands. Starts pacing and pulling on his hair.

      “I was a child. And I _trusted_ him! And he-he fucking…” his words drown until they are nothing but a broken whisper, “he _raped_ me...”

      A few seconds pause before he starts again, louder, “And when I laid there _crying_ , laid there _bleeding_ , he told me,” a quiet, broken, destroyed sob, “if I wanted it to stop I would be _stronger_. I would be _better._ I shouldn't have... _I was a child!_ It wasn't my _job_ to be stronger!”

      Foggy can tell by the way he says it that he's trying to convince himself that it wasn't his fault more than he cares to convince anyone else. He can't stand it anymore. He has to say something.

      “You're right. It wasn't your job to be stronger. And it wasn't your fault.”

      Matt stops pacing with his face angled towards the floor. After a few minutes of silence he slides down the wall until he's sitting next to Foggy. A quiet, bitter laugh escapes him.

      “Once again we're at my apartment, I'm on the floor, and you find out my deepest, darkest secrets...” He trails off a bit and then adds, “I always end up broken on the floor. Don't I? Did them. Do now. Probably will later...”

      “Matty…”

      A derisive snort.

      “Maybe you do always end up like that. But you know what else you always do? You always put yourself back together and stand up. And then promptly parkour off the highest surface to kick someone in the face. All the fucked up shit you've been through and you never give up. You're strong and you never let you past keep you from doing what you believe is right.”

      A small smile and Matt leans his head on Foggy's shoulder, “I plan on upgrading to choking a man with my thighs like Black Widow. It's far superior to a kick in the face.”

      “Yeah? Sounds good buddy. Make sure I get a front row demonstration at some point.”

      They sit like that for a while. Just sitting together in silence with Matt's head on Foggy's shoulder, pressed against each others sides. At some point Matt begins to fade into sleep so Foggy helps him up and to bed, then makes himself comfortable on Matt's couch for the night. He lays there for hours trying to make sense of his thoughts before falling asleep.

      


	2. Bits of Broken Souls in Bleeding Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's thoughts the next day. And Foggy talks to Matt about what happened. Gets pretty dark and intense be careful and keep the warnings in mind please. And let me know if I missed any warnings and I'll update it. Matt's thoughts are the result of a childhood full of traumatic events and are not exactly healthy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for panic attacks, self harm, negative thoughts about therapy, effects of rape/child abuse.

       When Matt wakes up the next morning all he can feel is the panic gripping his heart and throat because Foggy knows. Foggy knows and this is horrible and oh god he knows he knows he knows oh god. No no no. Why? Why did that happen why did he call why did he say those things? Oh god.    
  
      Eventually he realizes that he's gasping and sobbing and clawing at his chest but as soon as he thinks to stop, to be quiet (can't get caught can't get caught tears are weak tears are manipulation can't get caught), Foggy is at his side. Is pulling his hands away saying, "Don't do that Matty, don't hurt yourself, buddy, please." And Matt can't, he can't, it hurts and its never going away why won't it go away he feels so dirty on god he's filthy it's on his skin its inside of him oh god no.   
  
      Then he's sitting up and pulling away because Foggy is sweet and pure and untainted and he can't be the one the ruins that. Won't taint Foggy. No. He won't. He can't. But Foggy is moving closer and calling him 'Matty' and 'Buddy' and telling him he's safe and he's there with him and, "just focus on breathing Matty, just focus on breathing okay?" And Matt can't help it. This is Foggy. This is Foggy his best friend who is always there for him when he needs him. So he leans into him. Hides his face in his chest and wraps his arms around his waist because please help please save me please don't let him come back. And then Foggy's arms are wrapped around him and he's safe, he knows he's safe. He's always safe in Foggy's arms. Always.    
  
      After ten minutes, Matt feels calmer, clearer. He's done crying and he can breathe again, even if a small part of him still wishes he would just stop. So he let's go and sits up and tries to wipe his face off with his sleeves. Foggy is quiet the entire time Matt collects himself but when he's finished Foggy starts talking.    
  
      "Matt do you have panic attacks like that often?"    
  
      Matt just shrugs because he can't remember the last time being asleep didn't mean waking up choking on nothing and shaking and sobbing and breaking apart just to try and tape the pieces together in time for work.    
  
      "Matty...you shrugging like that always means yes. Do you...have you ever talked to anyone about this?"    
  
      Matt stays still and silent because no, no one can know, it's not safe, no no no.   
  
      A quiet sigh. "Matt you can always talk to me, okay? Always. But I think-I think you should talk to a professional about this."   
  
      Matt gets out of bed and stumbles over to the wall. He's gripping his hair and biting cuts into his lip. He feels the sting in his scalp. Tastes the blood in his mouth. He doesn't need a doctor. No. He's not crazy. He's not. no no no.    
  
      Foggy is standing. Moving closer. Grabbing his hands. ("Don't hurt yourself Matt, please.) Petting his hair. Hugging him close. And Matt just. Melts. All of his weight is being held up by Foggy and his face is pressed into Foggy's shoulder and he's just surrounded by Foggy Foggy Foggy. Foggy who stays. Who loves him. Foggy who cares and is worried and wants him to get help because he's falling to tiny sharp bits all around himself and gathering the pieces to press them back into shape only cuts his hands up and he's so  _ tired _ . So tired of being broken and misshapen and bleeding. 

      “.. okay.”

      “What Matt? I can't understand you bud.”

      So Matt lifts his head up and says it again, “Okay.”

      “Okay?”

      “I'll...I’ll talk to someone…”

      “That's great, Matt. I'm really proud of you. I know it's going to be hard to do that but it'll help.”

      Matt just nods and presses his face back into Foggys shoulder with a sigh and a small shudder. He'll be okay. He'll be fine. Foggy is here. He'll find someone. Make an appointment. Foggy will help him. Protect him. Foggy will always be there for him. Foggy  _has_  always been there for him. 


End file.
